When I Get Bored This is What Happens
by Slave of Death
Summary: The title pretty much sums it all up. If you like mindless humor this is for you.


When I get bored, this is what happens  
By Zach  
  
DISCLAIMER: The whole FF7 gang, places, and other things are property of Squaresoft. I know this type of mindless humor is a huge cliché but who cares! That's why you read it. Mindless humor.! This fic has a lot of Yuffie bashing so no flames please if you love Yuffie. Also I have nothing against lesbians so no flames bout that either.  
  
  
It was a nice day as the son rose up. Birds tweeted loudly until a shot was heard and they all fell dead to the ground. "DAMN BIRDS" came a shout. In Costa Del Sol the people were already out and swimming, or getting in some morning exercise. Easily the biggest place in Costa Del Sol, Cloud's Villa was full of the usual people, Cloud and Tifa (in bed as the usually are), Barret sitting in a chair with a cat looking at gardening magazines, Cid swearing (and smoking) in his sleep, Cait Sith recharging his battery in the corner. The door opened up into the villa and Aeris bustled in. "Hey guys! I'm back from the dead and having the best time of my life! I just kicked some guy that tried to buy me a drink in the nuts!" Nobody cared. Barret was too busy reading about the "Top 10 Ways to Make your Garden Look Alive" and Cloud and Tifa were *ahem*.  
"Well fine then! If none of you wanna talk then I'll just go pet Red." Aeris said and noticed that Red wasn't in the front room. "Where's Red?" For no reason Yuffie came in and kicked Aeris in the ass. "He's taking a shower, dumbass! Then again, now that I think of it, you got a nice ass." Yuffie said. Cid immediately woke up.  
"What the #$@*?! Yuffie complimenting Aeris' ass?! Wait till Cloud, Tifa, Cait Sith (he's still recharging), Red, Barret, ("I'm listenin!" he shouted back) Vincent,…" Cid continues spouting off names of people they've met for quite some time and everybody eventually gets bored. Cloud and Tifa come out of the bedroom (Tifa first than Cloud a few minutes later) and looked at everybody. "What's up?" they both asked.  
"Well this little #$@* was sayin that Aeris has a hot ass and she wants to-" Cid tried to say but Yuffie kicked him in the shins. "I never said any of that you perv! I just said that she a nice ass. There's nothing wrong with that." Blank stares were on all the faces except Aeris, who was blushing.  
"I think I'll go find Red." Aeris said and walked into the bathroom, not bothering to knock. Inside Red's shadow could be seen on the curtain washing and jumping around. "Hit me baby one more time." He sang. Aeris laughed quietly. "Does Reddy-Weddy want some pet pets?" Aeris said in a baby voice. Red's shadow stopped right in the middle of his Brittany Spears dance. Something about "God no" was muttered. Aeris pulled back the curtain and turned off the water and looked down at the damp Red. "Ooh, let's get you dried off." Red started to quiver. "No. Oh god no!" Aeris smile ( ^_^ ) and grabbed a towel and bent down to dry Red. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
Meanwhile at the Technodrome. Wait…that's the Ninja Turtles…  
Meanwhile at the Shinra Building.  
  
Rufus, somehow alive (much like Aeris), is twirling around in his big chair behind his big desk.  
"Weeeeeeeeeeeee!" he cried like a giddy schoolgirl. Just then Elena walked in for some reason. "What is it Elena?! I'm busy. Wooooh…and dizzy" He said, still twirling.  
Elena looked at him oddly. "Great…" Elena walked over to him and stopped the chair. "Sir, our spies tell us that Avalanche is planning to have a fun day. I think we should ruin their day. What do you say?" Rufus put his hand on Elena's arm, which was still on the chair, and pushed it away. He started spinning again. Reno and Rude walked into the room.  
"Hey Elena. How about later you and me-" Rude started to say but was interrupted.  
"Bite me, baldy!" Elena screamed. Reno looked around and saw Rufus spinning wildly.  
"Looks like fun! Can I join in!" Reno said and grabbed a chair from the corner and started spinning also. Rude looked at them all then back to Elena. "C'mon you sure? Tseng is dead ain't he?"  
Elena growled and stormed out, slamming the door. On her way something about "Idiots" was mumbled.  
  
Back at Costa del Sol  
  
Cloud jumped when he heard the yell coming from the bathroom. "What the hell?!" Yuffie walked over to Cloud. "Ya know, I was just kiddin about that whole Aeris' ass bein nice…" Cloud just looked down at her and walked over to Tifa.   
"What's up Cloud?" Tifa said. Cloud laughed and said "I think Yuffie likes to play on the other side of the fence." Cloud winked.  
For some reason, no one knows why, Cid got up and started swearing up a storm. "Hey Tifa, I got a good idea. We, and by we I mean all of us, should go have fun somewhere!" Cloud said for some reason.  
Yuffie stopped thinking of Aeris' ass and said "How about Costa del Sol?!" Everybody looked at her, even Barret who was trying to read his gardening magazine. "Uh……………….Sounds like fun!" They all cried!  
  
10 Minutes Later  
  
They whole gang, except Red who is scared of getting wet now because Aeris is going to dry him, are all out on the beach in their bathing suit. Tifa was jumping up and down in the water and Cloud, who was lying on a beach blanket, was watching her every move. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down…….(Sorry bout that! Got a little off track!) Yuffie was doing the same trying to get a little attention but nobody looked because Yuffie sucks and she plays on the other side of the fence. Barret was wearing a one piece bathing suit with big sunflowers all over it (WHAT!? O_o) and replaced his gun arm with a sand shovel and was playing around in the sand making sandcastles. Cid was, of course, smoking and swearing at the crabs and birds. "This fun foo!" Barret said to Cait Sith who had just come from the Villa after his battery was recharged. Cait agreed because he was just a stupid robot cat controlled by some loner that never got out.   
  
Back at the Shinra Building.  
  
Rufus was wearing swimming shorts and had a towel over his shoulder. "Elena! Rude! Hurry up! You can make whopee later!" he said in a whiney voice! Elena came storming out of a room and Rude shortly followed. "WE WERE NOT 'MAKING WHOPEE'! I was helping Rude get his swimming cap on!" Sure enough Rude was wearing a swimming cap when he came out. "Well, can we go now?! I wanna see Costa del Sol! I haven't been there in a long time!" Rude said. They went out onto the balcony thingie and a helicopter came and picked them up.  
  
Back at the Beach  
  
A volley ball game was now happening. Cloud, Tifa, and Cid were on one team and Yuffie, Cait Sith, and the beach bum were on the other. The game was going well until Tifa spiked the ball right into the beach bums arms. With a medical needle he found lying on the beach he popped the ball and used a sharp rock to cut it in half. "Der. Got me's a new hat." And with that the bum walked away and the game was over! "YEAH WE WIN!!!!" Tifa shouted like a giddy schoolgirl. Cloud put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a look that said….nothing. "How about we go back to the Villa and celebrate our win?" He said. A slap came across Clouds face and it wasn't from Tifa. A big red mark shaped like a shovel was on his cheek. Cloud looked a Barret. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!" Cloud yelled.  
"There are children around! Won't somebody think of the children?!" A long pause followed, it was an extremely awkward moment. "………….Foo."  
A helicopter landed nearby. On the side it said "Oscar Meyer Wieners". Yuffie jumped up and down shouting "YEAH! Wiener time!" Blank stares were on faces all over the beach. "I think I'll just shut up for a while…" she said and walked away, to follow the bum. She was never seen again (because nobody gives a damn what happens to her). Out of the helicopter came, not Hot Dog Venders, but Rufus, Reno, Rude, and Elena! *BAM BAM BAAAAAM*   
"Hey everybody!" Shouted Rude. "Let's play some volleyball!" Cloud and Tifa looked at him and said, almost in unison, "We already did. You're too late." Rude and all the rest kicked at the dirt for several minutes while everybody looked around. "So…" Cloud muttered. "Yeah…" Rufus said back. "Ya know…" Cloud said. Rufus just nodded. Tifa bent over Barret (who was rebuilding his sandcastle after it had crumbled). "Ya know what they're talking about?" she asked. "Well…Cloud told Rufus he was getting some, Rufus said yeah that's cool, Cloud said it's really good, and Rufus nodded. It's guy talk. You wouldn't get it." Tifa blinked. "You're right. I don't get it." She said and fell down to the sand to sunbathe.   
Reno walked up to the castle Barret was building and kicked it, making the whole thing crumble. "YOU MEANY!! … I mean YOU MOTHER #$@*IN BITCH!" Barret stood up and started banging on Reno with his shovel arm until Reno was on the ground in a lot of pain. Elena, in a stunning two piece swimsuit, ran over and plopped down next to Tifa. "Tee hee!" she laughed. "What's so funny?" Tifa asked. "Tee hee!" Elena laughed again. "I ASKED WHAT'S SO FUNNY!!?" Tifa screamed. Elena blinked. "Tee hee!" She laughed. "WHAT IS SO GODDAMN FUNNY?!" Tifa was now yelling at the top of her voice. Out of nowhere a Tonberry came walking down the steps to the beach and stopped next to Elena. A question mark appeared above its head (It's cant talk so lay off!). "Tee hee!" Elena laughed. "?!" The Tonberry thought. "Tee hee!" "!?" "Tee hee!" "!" "Tee hee!" By this time both the Tonberry and Tifa were royally pissed off. "Tee hee!" The Tonberry now had many exclamation points above him. He grabbed Barrets shovel arm and dug a huge whole. Knowing what he meant, Tifa grabbed Elena and threw her into the whole. The Tonberry quickly covers Elena in the sand, leaving only her head to be seen. "Tee hee!" She continued to laugh. Tonberry began to hit Elena in the head with the shovel, whacking her every time she said, "Tee hee!"  
Cloud watched as Tifa and the Tonberry whacked Elena. Rude walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder and said in a quiet voice, "Tifa's hot isn't she?!" Cloud lowered his brow and punched him in the face and walked off to talk with Tifa.  
"Hey Tifa. Why not make 'sweet love' instead of hitting Elena?" He said blushing a little.  
"WHAT!? I'm not gonna make 'sweet love' with Elena! I'm not a lesbian! You must be thinking of Yuffie." Tifa shouts. Yuffie pops out of the water (how'd she get there?) and screams "I'M NOT A LESBIAN!!" and then dissepears beneath the water.  
  
Meanwhile at the *BAM BAM BAAAAAM* Northern Crater.  
  
Sephiroth paced through the caverns. "Man, it sucks being alive! At least when I was dead I could haunt people and watch em make whopee. Wait…I didn't do that did I? Stupid Satan not lettin me go back up to the Earth. I had to stay down there in hell the entire time. Wait…how am I alive? This makes no sense." Sephiroth grabs his head and falls to his knees crying like a sissy.  
  
Out of nowhere Zach appears! "Hey! That's me! I'm in my own fic! Cool!" A long pause took place while Zach and Sephiroth looked around at each other.  
"You're Zach right? Aren't you dead?" Sephiroth said as he got up off his knees.  
"No. You're thinking of Zack. I'm Zach." Zach said scratching his head. Another long pause followed.  
"Okay then. Carry on." Sephiroth said and started to walk away. "If anyone needs me I'll be at Costa Del Sol for some reason. Oh! First I need to take a shower." Sephiroth said and walked into the bathroom that was in the caves for some reason. (Hey these things don't have to make sense!) Sephiroth opened the door but turned back to say "Oh. If Adam calls I'm not here and I just left for Midgar. That guy is so annoying. You go to one baseball game with him and he's callin ya day and night. Sheesh." Sephiroth walked into the bathroom and took a shower.  
Zach approaches the screen. In a calm voice, much like the ones on the adopt a starving kid comercials, says "Right now we witnessed a scene that had absolutely nothing to do with this pointless fanfic. This is happening with fanfics all over the world. Statistics show that *holds back a tear* 7 out of 10 fanfics have pointless scenes. But now we can get pointless scenes out of fanfics. For just $999,999,999,999,999,999.99 a month you can adopt a fanfic and keep pointless scenes out of them. And each month we'll send you a picture of your adopted fanfic and a hand-written letter. So please, help a fic in need. Save a small fic like "When I get Bored This is What Happens" here. This little guy is suffering from millions of pointless scenes. Please *grabs fic and lifts it up* help a fic in need."  
  
Back at the Beach  
  
The beach was empty. No one was there except for the beach bum and Yuffie who had returned for some reason. Everyone had gone back to the villa. Yuffie was walking along the beach and she stepped on something sharp. She looked at her foot at it was a needle that said on it: Congrats! You now have AIDS. Yuffie read it a few times. "Aids? Does that mean people are gonna help me? COOL!"  
  
Inside the Villa  
  
Red XII was in his room…er…his basement, listening to Britany Spears. "Hit me Baby one more time!" he sang once again. Let's leave this scary scene and head upstairs to the (semi) normal people.   
"So Aeris, Yuffie said you got a nice ass?" Rude was asking. Cloud and Rufus were sitting in the back playing drinking games they had learned in Soldier…wait…Cloud wasn't in Soldier. He was a stupid little guard…so I guess that makes Cloud a big fat fake! First he steals Zak's past, his sword, his hair style, and now his drinking games?! THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR! A giant hand came out from the sky and flicked the roof off. It came down and a mighty voice said "I SMITE YOU! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!" and then flicked Cloud away and he fell into the ocean and drowned. It formed a body like "It" from the Adams Family and approached Tifa. "So…You free tonight? I'm pretty big ya know…well you can see that."   
  
In the end, everything was boring as usual. Sephiroth wound up as Costa Del Sol and was walking on the beach when he got eaten by a giant whale. Yuffie got AIDS and died waiting for her servants to come. Tifa went out with the giant hand and they eventualy got married and had 35 kids. Barret went on to win 10,000 gil for the best garden in the world. Cait Sith had to recharge his battery. Red XII got to go on tour with Britany Spears. Aeris got so excited about people saying she had a nice ass that she died. Rufus cired all night because nobody would play his drinking game with him. Zak was dead and will always be dead. Zach won the Noble Peace Prize for his work in the "Adopt a Fic" foundation and eventually finished this pointless fic. Elena is still burried in the sand. Tonberry is still hitting her with Barrets shovel arm. Cid…swore a lot.  



End file.
